Thursday, May 26, 2011

Shitty, Shitty Day- and a very personal post

I swear everytime I'm excited/looking forward to something, life is like "Nope! Don't get ahead of yourself with excitement because it's all going to crap!" Alright, so some parts of this post may be TMI, and if so, I apologize. But, I've had a horrible day and need to vent.

So, let me start this by saying, last year I went to my "well woman checkup" for my yearly pap smear. My results came back abnormal. They said that this meant I had hpv. If you don't know much about hpv, there are literally Hundreds of types. Whichever type I had, however caused no symptoms. So I wouldn't have even known this except for my results. Some types are like this, some cause cervical cancer, some cause warts. (yeah, I know gross word, sorry) But, mine had no physical symptoms that I could see at all. So, they told me I had to get a biopsy done to make sure that I wasn't at high risk for cervical cancer because of this. Went to the appointment, got the biopsy done, it was pretty painful, but everything came back fine. Fast forward to now, my gynecologist's nurse called me today and said my pap smear came back abnormal again and I have to go in for another biopsy. Yippee. And then they also said it showed that I had an infection and need antibiotics. So this means, if I started the antibiotics today, I wouldn't be able to drink at all this weekend. Screw that! I'll start them after the weekend! And then, that also means I can't have sex this weekend. Ugh, I'm pretty disappointed about this. Although we're all staying in one house, I was hoping T and I could sneak off at night and go into the woods. You know, on a towel under the stars. Could be kind of romantic right? Plus, we only ever get to see each other on the weekends. Boo.

So all this into consideration, then my boss decides to come into my office and bitch at me. Not cool. So, I cried in my office for about 10 minutes out of frustration of this devil of a day. *sigh* I'm supposed to go to my last day of bootcamp tonight to do my second timed mile to see if my time improves. I know I shouldn't, but I'm skipping and going with Kristena to get my eyebrows waxed and get $20 eyelash extensions. I just don't think I have it in me today to go run a mile. Plus eyelashes will make me feel better. I'll post pictures of them later! Kelly got them yesterday and sent me pictures. They look awesome! And usually eyelash extensions are around $300ish. So if these last even a week, they're a steal!

I also have to pack tonight. All that's happened today has really put a shadow over the excitement that I had for this weekend. But, I'm not going to let it ruin it. We'll still have a blast.

Hope everyone has a better Thursday than me! :)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

So ready for this Memorial weekend!

This week has been dragging. Work has sucked and I'm so ready for the break this weekend.

I finally went and bought a battery for my scale last night, and couldn't help but to weight myself (even though I know I shouldn't at night). This is week 4 of bootcamp, by the way. So I hop on the scale hoping to see even a 2 pound loss. I GAINED 4 pounds. I cannot even explain how disappointed I was. I took a hot bubble bath and cried after that. This is why there are overweight people. You bust your ass and see absolutely no results. Everyone keeps telling me it's muscle. I don't give an eff! I want to lose weight. I want to look smaller and feel better in my clothes. This is so frustrating. Especially, because I've been keeping up with my caloric intake and eating pretty good. I started Healthy Trim again this morning. Figure I'll give it another try, even though when I took it for 2 weeks, I noticed no change in my appetite. I feel like I've hit a wall. I don't know what else to do. Probably doesn't help that I'm stressed with work and bills.

Alright, on to more positive things! I'm so looking forward to the weekend. Friday night, I have the Manchester Orchestra concert with T and my best friend, Kelly. Then, we're waking up early Saturday morning and heading to Nacogdoches at 8am. Kelly's family owns a house on some land there. So the plans are to relax, get drunk, swim, sit around the campfire, hike, and forget about all our problems. Should be a decent sized group. 7-8 people, I believe. I already bought batteries for my camera, as I plan on taking tons of pictures. I so need this. Two and a half days away from reality with almost all of my favorite people. Sounds like fun yes?

I already started making a list for things we need. I found a recipe online for what sounds like will be amazing cheese dip! If it's good, I'll post the recipe later! Yeah, this weekend will be my last splurge. You can't really eat healthy when camping. Well I guess you could, but where's the fun in that? But, after Monday, I'm getting a gym membership and sticking to Weight Watchers like it's my religion. I have to, if I want to really lose weight. I've got about 40 lbs to lose.

So, I felt as though my hair needed a change this weekend. Since I had so much black in my hair, I went to Sally's Beauty Supply and asked them what I should use to strip it out. I ended up bleaching it out, which scared the crap out of me. Then I dyed it with a dark burgundy color out of a box from Walgreens. It ended up coming out much brighter and lighter than I wanted. I was hoping for almost black-burgundy, but because it was bleached before it didn't come out that way. But, it's growing on me! It's definitely different.




Anyone else have any big plans for the weekend?


Friday, May 20, 2011

Fantastic Friday!

Hello there! Hope everyone is having a great Friday! Mine has been alright so far. Nothing great, but for some reason I'm in a really good mood.

 Has anyone else heard about how tomorrow the world is supposed to end? Well, if you haven't heard, some nut job is saying tomorrow, May 21st at 6pm, the world is ending. Yep! So don't pay your bills, wear your favorite dress, have some good sex and party it up! Haha I don't believe this dude,who is 89 years old, btw.. but then again you never know? Maybe it will be some kind of zombie apocalypse like in all the movies! I LOVE zombie movies! So, I guess if there was a way to go, actually seeing a zombie apocalypse would be pretty cool!

Let's see.. This weekend I don't have any huge plans. Heading to T's house tonight to watch movies and chill. I'm hoping to either eat dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings or Los Cucos. I've eaten good all week, and what if the world ends tomorrow and I don't get one more yummy meal?! I'd hate myself. So, I'm giving myself one meal to splurge a little. Maybe a drink or two, and hopefully some great sex tonight too! Gotta live it up ;) 

So, I've been going to bootcamp 4-5 times a week, for three weeks now. I still haven't seen results, but I'm feeling better. But...my knees have also been giving me trouble : /  I've talked to my instructor about it and she said most likely, it's inflammation. So, I've been icing them after almost all my workouts since they've really been hurting. No change. They hurt even when I just walk normally. I don't know what else to do. A guy that I know, who is also going to school to be a personal trainer, said that it could be inflammation, or that it could be runner's knee. Ugh.. just when I start getting active again and then I hurt my knees? What really doesn't make sense, is I've been this active before and never had problems. Why now? If it continues, I'll have to go to the doctor to get them checked out. From what I read on google, the best thing if it is in fact, runner's knee, is to not run for 2-3 weeks and use the RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) principle. But, I'm in the middle of a bootcamp! How can I not run for that long? I'm skipping today to give my poor knees a rest. Maybe three days of no running will help.

Well, enough of my bitching and moaning! I hope everyone has a kick ass weekend! I will leave you with a picture of the print on the dress I'm wearing today, and of my adorable little Chandler. Both taken with the hipstamatic app on my iphone :)



Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Newest edition to my furry family

I almost forgot! Had a little stray, bobtail kitty show up on Sunday. I doubt he's leaving now since we fed him and gave him lots of attention.

Meet Chandler!
(Yes I'm a HUGE "Friends" fanatic)

Since I'm posting a picture of him, I may as well introduce my other furry children.

Jake, my long-haired Chihuahua



Mia




And last, but definitely not least, Ringo




Mia and Ringo



When I grow up...

So I decided within the last year or so, that I want to go back to school. I have an AA in Behavioral Science. I LOVE psychology, but I'm actually wanting to go back to school for cosmetology. I get way too bored in an office setting that never really changes. After discussing with my Mom last night, we decided I just won't be able to start school in the fall. I was REALLY hoping I was going to be able to. But, because I was stupid when I was 19, and got 4 credit cards, I can't afford not to work full time. I no longer have any credit cards, but I'm still paying for them, in more ways than just money. I hate the feeling of having debt. It's a weight, knowing you owe someone. So, my goal is to do my very best to pay most of my debt off by December, so that I can start cosmetology classes full time in the Spring of 2012. *fingers crossed*

Do you ever feel like you're waiting for your life to start? I feel like that frequently. I may be 24 years old, but I don't feel like a grown up. And, in all honestly, I'm really not. Yes I pay most of my bills, but I still live with my parents because right now, I just can't afford to move out. That's another goal I'm making for myself. I'd like to move out of my parent's house, for the first time in my life, before the end of 2012.

I'm feeling inspired today. Inspired to make positive changes in my life. I have bootcamp tonight, and I'm looking forward to it! It feels good to sweat and know that I'm making myself physically stronger. I'm still nowhere near where I'd like to be physically, but I'll get there. I have faith. Just have to keep going. I currently haven't lost any weight. Hard to believe since I've been doing the bootcamp for two weeks. But, I feel better, and that's definitely something. So, I'm not giving up!

Here's some inspirational quotes/pictures for you



What inspires you?

Monday, May 16, 2011

2nd post today- Am I breaking the rules? ;)

Ok, so weekend was good. I know I already showed you my weekend in pictures, but I feel the need to vent about something I found out yesterday.

So, in high school I dated a guy, we'll call him J. We met when I was a Freshman, I think. We started dating when I was 16. He was my first love. We had a good relationship and actually lasted until I was almost 22. So, we were together a total of 5 1/2 years. A Long time lol. We planned on marriage, but I started freaking out thinking about being only 21, and marrying the guy I lost my virginity to, and never really dating anyone else. So I broke up with him. Just temporarily, I thought. Well, ended up we never dated again. We've semi stayed in touch through the years. We've even hung out off and on, when we're both single.

He usually would start to text me after every relationship he had. He even came out for my birthday this year, which was in February. (Let me point out that February was only 3 months ago) So, he was single and came out for my birthday. Fast forward to this weekend. HE'S ENGAGED! I'm in shock. So let's dig a little deeper. If he wasn't dating her at my birthday, the longest he could have known her is 3 months. But, let's face it, you're not exclusive after one date. So they've probably only Really been dating for 2 months. Is it just me, or does that sound absolutely ridiculous? I think he's acting crazy. He's even told me before, that he was desperate to get married, and very afraid to be alone. So, this really shouldn't surprise me, but it does.

Now before you start thinking that I'm just jealous, and I want him  back- No. I don't want to be with him. Like I said, we used to hang out when we were both single, and nothing romantic ever happened. But, we were together for almost 6 years. He was my best friend. So, I'm a little upset that he's making such a hasty decision. I give it maybe 8 months. Sorry, I know that's wrong, but come on! 3 months and they're engaged?!? They've probably never had a fight yet. It really makes me laugh more than anything. Alright I'm done talking about it!

Let's see, things I have this month to look forward to. Manchester Orchestra in concert on the 27th! Can't wait! If you've never heard of them, look them up! They're amazing. Then on the 28th, going camping with all my best friends! And the boy is coming too :). Anyone else have things they're looking forward to this month?

My weekend in pictures

Bored in traffic on Friday, so I took a pic because I did my eyeliner differently that day.

Sushi!

Night out with my favorite girls!



Yes, we dance and sing in the car. Don't judge us.

Beach with Kristena on Sunday






The stray kitty I came home to.

Kristena and I made Skinny Boards (a poster board with skinny bitches that will motivate us) There's actually a picture of me when I was skinny on there too.

Did everyone have a good weekend?

Monday, May 9, 2011

If you frequently think someone is sharing TMI, don't read this

Ok, so my two best friends and I can talk about anything. And I mean literally anything from sex, farting, periods, etc. That's just the way we are, and I wouldn't want it any other way. So, I forgot to write about what else happened on Friday night. It's pretty mortifying.
 So as I said before, I had a crappy Friday. Got to T's house and he had flowers waiting for me. Definitely put me in a better mood, but I still needed a drink. So we decided to have a low-key night in and watch movies. We picked up Whataburger (yum and I know, bad considering I've been trying to lose weight). When we got back to his house, I decided to add some vodka to my Sprite. We watched The Switch, with Jennifer Aniston, which ended up being very cute! I continued to add vodka to my sprite and refilling my sprite lol. Then we watched some kung fu movie, that I couldn't tell you the title of. I ended up probably drinking about, I'm gonna guess 8-10oz of vodka. May have been more, not sure. Let's just say I put a good dent into the huge bottle of vodka I had. So I was feeling good!
So, we ended up having some pretty great sex in the shower, atleast from what I remember and what he said haha. So we get in bed, naked, and all of a sudden the room is spinning. I don't remember much of what I said. I just remember saying, "I don't want to puke in your bed." Nice, right?
So I stumble/run to the bathroom and begin vomiting. Ugh, I hate throwing up. But you know what's worse? Throwing up, NAKED, in front of the guy you like. I was mortified. I remember apologizing profusely, which probably made me look even more ridiculous. Of course, sweetheart that he is, brought me a pillow to sit on (because I was on the floor), and even sat on the floor with me, holding my hair back and rubbing my back. I mean, I'm impressed with how he handled me in this horrific state.

If this story was TMI, sorry! But, I had to share because it's embarassing and a little funny and gross.

yellow roses from T

So, Friday I had a pretty crappy day. You can read about it here. I was kind of freaking out because I felt like the boy was ignoring me. Come to find out, he left his phone at a friend's house, but my period was making me emotional and crazy. He knew I was having a bad day and when I finally got to his house Friday evening, these were on his door waiting for me...

Yellow roses are my absolute favorite flower, and I had told him this over a month ago. I can't even explain how much these made me smile. But, also it made me feel so stupid for being upset and worried lol. This just proves to me even more, that things are never as bad as you think they are when you're having one of those emotional crazy days.

Hope everyone had a good weekend! :)

Friday, May 6, 2011

It's Friday!

Well, yesterday was my timed mile. It sucked. Bad. I was out of breath before I even finished a quarter mile. I think my time was like 14:50. Which is awful. But the whole point of this is to see how much our time improves by the end of May. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that before we even started the mile, I ate it. Yep, right there on the track. She told us to sprint, which means take off running as fast as you possibly can. So I did, and then my body kept going but my legs turned to jello. I caught myself so I didn't faceplant lol. But, my hands and left elbow slid on the track.

Here's a picture of my elbow. Ouch.

It definitely wasn't fun scrubbing it in the shower.

Hopefully everyone is having a better day than I am. Usually I'm not a huge complainer, but today I feel the need to vent. So here I go. Ever have days where you just want to cry for no reason at all? Today is that day for me. Granted, I am on my period. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I weighed myself this morning. Absolutely no change since Monday. So I've been cutting my calories and working out for 5 days and it's done nothing so far. I know, I know, I could be gaining muscle blah blah blah. But, I'm pissed. I'm not going to give up, but I was hoping I'd atleast have lost 2 pounds by now. Geez. I should be used to this. I can lose 4-5 pounds in a week by starting weight watchers. But, if I do that and workout, for some reason I don't lose weight. Maybe it's because I get discouraged and quit right before I start getting results. So i'm sticking with it this time. We'll see.

Work today has sucked already. I have my own office, but I constantly have people coming in to use the copier and fax. Today, I just want everyone here to leave me alone. I've already had a mini cry session at my desk today. Again, couldn't tell you why. Just one of those days. I think I need therapy. You probably think I'm kidding but I'm totally serious. If I could afford it, I'd so have a therapist. For some reason, it's easier for me to vent/talk about how I'm feeling to a stranger rather than my family or friends. So for now, I guess this blog is my therapy.

So, my sister is engaged. Which is great. I'm totally happy for her. But, she's 20 and I'm 24. So, it makes me feel a bit lame that she's getting married before me. Especially, since I always thought I'd be married by now. Shoot, I used to think I wanted to have my first child by 25. That's obviously not happening. I know life usually doesn't go as we expect or want it to, but it still just makes me a little sad. I'm not really in a rush. I mean I'd never marry someone just because I felt like I should be married by then. I want to wait for the right person. But, sometimes, I get sick of waiting! Just like Charlotte in Sex and the City when she says, "I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted! Where is he?! ”. That's how I feel. I love Sex and the City! I wish it was still on.

I think in a lot of relationships I've been in, I put my happiness all on that one person. Which isn't healthy or fair, but I do it. When I'm single and just hang out with my friends, I'm happy, but once a guy is in the picture even a little bit, my emotions depend on how that goes. I'm not saying that once I start seeing a guy that I only spend time with him and bail on my friends. I don't mean that at all. But say I've been hoping all week to a go see a movie with him and then he cancels because something comes up. I get unreasonably upset. I don't know why. Maybe because I deal with depression. See, I told you I need therapy. I take a mild antidepressant daily that helps a lot. Just keeps things balanced. But, I still deal with it. Feeling hopeless somedays all because the chemicals in my brain are off. Geez, I'm a total Debbie Downer today.

This post ended up being longer and more serious than I planned. If you actually read the whole thing, props to you! And welcome to my effed up mind lol. On a better note, if my plans with the boy tonight fall through, I'm going to cheer myself up by going to best buy and buying Season 5 of Grey's Anatomy. I finished season 4 last week and am dying to know what happens next. Although, I don't need to spend the money. But, if I have to spend $50 on a set of DVD's that will help my mental health, so be it.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Hello Hello!

It's been a busy week for me. Started bootcamp on Monday. So far, I really like it. But, I also can't squat or bend over without grunting or groaning from soreness, which is a good thing I guess. I had jury duty on Tuesday, and actually got picked to be on a jury for a DWI trial. It was an interesting experience, but I was pretty disappointed to miss my second day of bootcamp. Oh well. Today, we meet and have to do a timed mile. I am NOT looking forward to this! I hate running. I get out of breath so quickly. Ugh the things we do to look decent in a bikini. I haven't weighed myself since Monday and I'm trying to hold out until Saturday-ish. If I've lost weight already, I can't tell yet. Also started taking Healthy Trim on Monday. I know I'm only on Day 4, but I'm a little disappointed. I haven't noticed any change in my appetite. But I plan to give it more time and see.

Let's see.. still seeing the same boy. Because of where we're located we pretty much only see each other on weekends. But things are going well. Still no "exclusive talk", so I'm still playing it cool.

Not much else exciting this week. Although, I'm very ready and excited to start seeing changes in my body as a result of working out and eating better. And SO glad tomorrow is Friday!!!