Monday, January 23, 2012

Date #1 with... Oh wait, nevermind!

So, my weekend... Not the best.

Friday, if you remember, I had a date.
Or atleast I was supposed to.
I was already in a gloomy mood, so I was really looking forward to going out and having dinner and drinks with this guy. We texted sporadically throughout the day and he still didn't know where he wanted to go, which annoyed me. I got off work at 5 and ran a couple errands before going home and getting ready. He said he was supposed to get off work at 6:30, so I texted him at 6:45 to see if he figured out where to meet.

He texted me back at 7 and said he'd just got off work, but told me he wanted to meet up at pizza place/brewery. I was pretty much ready, for the most part, by then.. so I was just watching some tv and touching up my makeup a little. I texted him at 7:45  and asked what time he wanted to meet there. By 8:15, I hadn't heard anything so I texted him again and said I was going to go ahead and leave my house to head to the restaurant, which was a 30 minute drive for me. Finally, he answered saying he'd be there between 8:45-9. That worked for me, so I headed that way.

8:20pm (AFTER I'd already left) Him: Wait don't leave yet

I decide to pull into the Walmart parking lot, and kill some time, since he told me not to leave yet and I already had. Oh, I also may have gotten a sprite from the McDonald's drive-thru and added a little vodka to it. Don't judge me.

8:40pm Him: You're going to kill me

8:41pm Me: Why?

8:44pm Him: A good friend just called, their car broke down and nobody can get them, I have to go help her out, she has a lot of health issues.

8:45pm Him: Will you let me make it up to you?

At this point, I'm bawling my eyes out in my car. Not because of this guy, whom I've never even met, but the last thing I needed was to be let down or disappointed at that moment. Who knows if it was a real situation, or just an excuse. Doesn't matter. He's obviously unreliable. I decided I could do one of two things. I could bitch at him and let him know how frustrated I was, or I could act indifferent. I also started driving to the movies. I'll be damned if I was going to go sit at home with full hair and makeup done.

8:54pm Me: It's cool

8:55pm Him: Well if you don't hate me let's go this week, and I'll promise a massage of you are interested ;-)

Uh, really dude?

8:56pm Him: I'm really sorry I was excited to meet you

9:05pm Me: I had a feeling something like this was going to happen.. But I understand.

9:06pm Me: I'm not saying you're lying or anything (even though I think you are), I just had a feeling. But if you really do still want to meet that's fine.

9:20pm Him: I definitely do, I'll do whatever I have to to make it up to you ;-) what do you want?

Sure you will, douche. After that I went to see Underworld: The Awakening, which was really good by the way. So I didn't answer him until after it was over. I doubt we'll go out. I'm definitely not contacting the idiot.

Saturday, I planned on hanging out with AG (Apple guy) in the evening. For the most part, I laid around and watched Felicity season 2 on dvd all day. At one point, I came out of my room to get something, and I could tell my Mom had been crying. She was sitting in a chair in the living room, while my Dad was in the kitchen on his laptop (where he akways is, nowadays). I went over and gave her a hug and asked what was wrong. Of course she said nothing. I still don't know exactly why she was upset, but I'm sure it has to do with the divorce.

I drove to AG's apartment and picked up some gummy bears on the way, since he'd had surgery the week before. Poor thing, had his arm in this huge sling. His roommate and a couple other friends were there and we all watched tv and youtube videos for awhile. Then we watched the new Planet of the Apes movie, can't remember the title. We made a couple drinks (although AG couldn't have alcohol because of the painkillers) and decided to play "fuck the dealer", which if you haven't heard of it, is a drinking card game. AG played with gatorade lol. It was pretty fun, and it got me drunk. I was the dealer quite a bit, therefore, I got fucked and had to drink a lot. We watched another movie, Moneyball, after the card game. I was starting to get very sleepy, and had already planned on just crashing there. We both slept in his bed, but no funny business lol. I had a good time with him, and I feel like he's someone I can trust.

Yesterday, I talked to my Mom quite a bit. My sister comes home this coming weekend, and my parents will finally be telling her that they're breaking up. I'm not looking forward to it. I hope she isn't upset with me for not telling her. My Mom is more worried about my sister and I, while I'm worried about her. My Dad has seemed so distant and out of touch lately. I feel like he doesn't even want to talk to me, but maybe it's because he is gay (I'm about 95% positive he is) and it's all just such an uncomfortable situation for him.

After he got home, we all three went to dinner and talked about when and how they should talk to my sister. It's all so weird and foreign still. I don't want to take sides, but it's hard for me not to want to be there for my Mom, especially when it seems like he's being so insensitive. I guess I'll find out all the nitty gritty details this weekend. I'm not excited.

On the up side, I emailed a few no-kill animal shelters last week and I'm going to be volunteering at one. I have to go this Saturday and Sunday morning for orientation and training. I'm really excited about this. I miss seeing and interacting with animals like I did as a vet tech.

I'm also still working on weight loss. I was 182.4 this morning, so I'm not losing but not gaining either. I ate pretty bad this weekend and a lot of last week, so I'm back to doing good today. I want to lose 10lbs by my birthday (12 days) and 25-30 more pounds by my vacation in March.

Sorry this post was all over the place. Props if you read the entire thing :)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

First date with Apple guy..

I've been a busy girl this week.
Monday I had a first date with a guy I've actually been texting on and off for close to a year. Yeah weird situation, but we've never met. One of us would always happen to start dating someone (usually me) right when we were planning to hang out. So he texted me out of the blue about a week ago and we decided to finally meet for sushi and drinks. I wasn't even sure it was going to really be a date. We decided beforehand to stay friends no matter what, so I went into it just looking at him as a new friend. He works at Apple, hence what I'm calling him.

I got there first and grabbed a table in the bar area and since it was happy hour I got a cosmo. I hate getting there first.. I'm usually running late for one reason or another, so I'm usually the one on the date, walking in looking for the other person that's already there. I only sat there for maybe 10-15 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. He walked in, looking shorter than I remember thinking he was, and gave me a hug and sat down to order a drink. Things weren't awkward at all.. probably because we know each other pretty well.. Just took a year for us to meet.

One thing: He could not be further from my normal "type". He's shorter than me (5' 5"), has long-ish hair (it's to his shoulders), and has no tattoos. But, weirdly enough, I'm still really attracted to him. I know this is shallow, but usually height is a deal breaker for me. I want someone bigger than me that makes me feel safe. Somehow I'm not really bothered by it though and neither is he. He brought up that he's never dated a woman shorter than him and loves when girls wear heels. I thought to myself that he must be pretty secure in himself to actually like when a girl wears heels with him.

Anyways, the conversation flowed extremely easily. We ordered some yummy sushi and talked about so many things. Where he's from, how his parents died when he was young, the drama with my parents, etc. After a couple hours it was only a little after 7 and he asked if I wanted to go to his place and watch a movie and then maybe hit up a bar before calling it a night. It was his last night to drink for awhile because he was having shoulder surgery Wednesday. We watched Crazy Stupid Love and he kissed me. We then had a drink there before going to a bar. Kind of funny, but we went to the place where I went on my first date with J (airport guy).

I only had one drink there and I wasn't planning on staying long. Well we ended up having more long conversations and met up with a couple of his friends. His roommate, who he was supposed to be riding home with, ended up getting absolutely wasted. So at 2am I still had to drive him the 20 minutes back to his place, before the 30 minute drive home. I didn't mind. I wanted him to get home safe, but was just tired and it was rainy. We get to his apartment complex and he starts trying to get me to stay the night. Not even to do anything sexual, or so he says, but because he was having surgery in two days and wouldn't be able to cuddle for awhile. If I hadn't had work the next day, I probably would have. But I said no. He almost wouldn't take no for an answer trying to make me feel bad, blah blah. I hate when you say no to something and people try to convince you otherwise. It really annoyed me. Especially, after we'd had such a fun night. But he was pretty drunk also, so whatever. Got home at 3:30 and crashed.

All in all, it was a good date. I like him, but just have to wait and see.

I actually had a date the next night (Tuesday) with a different guy, that was uneventful, awkward and I just got the friend vibe from him. So after that date, it was early and I went to see AG (Apple Guy), and just hung out and watched tv with him and his roommate. I ended up staying till midnight and wished him well for his surgery the next day and had another night of not enough sleep.

His surgery went well but he's stuck at home for awhile. Guess I'll have to wait and see what happens. Oh and I have another date tomorrow night. Dating can be exhausting! And you also drink more to ease the nerves so it's harder to lose weight. I need to catch up on sleep this weekend. Updates to come!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Coping Mechanisms

I went on the date Friday evening. Met at RA Sushi for a couple drinks and some really good sushi. He actually kissed me as soon as I walked up to meet him at the bar. Surprised me, but refreshing too. Atleast I didn't have to wonder if he was into me. After finishing sushi, we went to a really nice lounge and had a couple more drinks while making out on a couch. He suggested we go back to his place to watch a movie.

My drunken self gladly agreed. We get to his house about midnight and sit on the couch, I played with his dog (no that's not a metaphor). He picks out a scary movie and before it even starts, things are getting hot and heavy. Before I know it, we're in his bed having sex. I must have been drunker than I thought, because I don't remember much else. I wake up... thinking I'm at home, and realize I'm still in his bed, naked. I turn over and he's not there, but the bathroom door is shut and the light is on. I get up and go in the living room to check my phone.. It's 4am. I don't even know how long I slept. How embarassing. I get dressed and wait for him to come out, which is almost another 20 minutes. I apologize for falling asleep and tell him that I should be going. There's no way I'm staying the night. I get in my car feeling cheap and dirty, knowing I'll probably never hear back from this man again.

3 years ago.. I never would've even considered sleeping with someone on a first date. So what's changed me? Is it purely growing up? Is it going through tough things and using unhealthy things as coping mechanisms? I'm not sure.

I could've sworn I wrote a previous post about a conversation my father and I had, but I can't find it. It was actually right before I was going to Dallas to visit awkward boy. My Dad sat me down, told me that he saw a lot of himself in me. That he thinks we both have addictive personalities. That we try to fill voids in our lives with unhealthy things, like: sex, alcohol, shopping, etc. Talk about an awkward conversation to have with your dad. Although, I didn't talk much. I mostly sat there and listened while crying. As much as I tried telling myself, he didn't know what he was talking about, I'm starting to see more signs of that.

Now, do I think I'm an alcoholic? No. Do I even think I have a drinking problem? Absolutely not. But since I know that alcoholism runs in my family, I do know that I need to be careful. As far as sex.. Almost 3 years ago, after breaking up with my high school sweetheart of almost 6 years, I had a month-long rebound with a stupid random guy I met at a restaurant, and something happened with him that caused me a great deal of pain. I don't want to get into it now, maybe I'll update at another time, but it's something that makes people look at you differently. I dealt with this by being more open about my sexuality, and to put it bluntly, being slutty. Was that a healthy way to deal with what I was going through? No. But I'm ok now.

Now that I'm going through all the drama with my parents, I feel like I'm using sex and alcohol to cope again. I'm afraid if I continue down this road and push my feelings aside, they're going to come back and bite me in the ass much harder than if I just deal with them now. I don't know what to expect though. Everyone hears that girls with parents that divorce when they're young, are pretty likely to have daddy issues. But what about when you're an adult? I do think it will make me a lot more cautious when thinking about marriage. I just don't know the correct, healthy way to cope with it all. Therapy maybe? Too expensive though. Maybe just be open with my parents about my feelings. And go to my true friends when I need to talk about it. Maybe turn to things more healthy like exercise or yoga when I'm sad or stressed.

Life is just a big experiment. We're all damaged by hurt and circumstances in our lives. But I refuse to become one of those people that sabotage their lives because of other people's decisions. I apologize, this was a VERY self-indulgent post, but I felt the need to get it out there.

Friday, January 13, 2012

It's Friday! Friday the 13th at that

Happy Friday the 13th!

No new news on the weight loss. I've pretty much stayed the same the last few days. Hovering right around 183. I went out with my best friend, Kelly, last night. There's a little bar that has $2.50 you-call-its on Thursdays. So, I saved up calories/points so I could have 4 drinks. We had fun talking about anything and everything and laughing our asses off.

Let me tell you a little about Kelly. She's gorgeous, confident, married and can talk to a brick wall. Anytime I'm with her, people come up to talk to us. She's just a very approachable person. And I love that about her. I wish I could be more that way. But anyways, eventually, a couple guys come up to our table. One of them covered in tattoos and pretty hot. All of them mostly talking to her. I enjoy watching them flirt and then her saying she's married and seeing their reaction, haha. She's very flirty, but never crosses the line to inappropriate. So the tattooed boy buys us both a buttery nipple shot, which we gladly accept. Before he even gets back to our table with them, another guy is there talking to us. He was out for his birthday and stumbling wasted lol. He and the tattooed guy actually got into a little argument once we had our shots. So the drunk one left and we continued talking.

 Eventually, tatted boy's 3 friends came over to chat too. They were a fun bunch. Boys are always so taken aback by how open and dirty Kelly and I are. We openly talk about sex, vibrators, dildos, you name it. After awhile, it was already 2am and the place was closing. Even though he knew Kelly was married, he mostly talked to her. Which is fine, I'm not jealous or anything. But when we were about to leave, he looked at me and was like, "So Brittany, can I get your number?"  Wait, what? He wants MY number? I can't decide if I'm selling myself short or if he decided he may as well get his second choice's number. I'm thinking the latter. But either way, I'm not one to refuse my number to a hot boy.

So I got home about 2:20am, crawled in bed and my phone starts ringing. Guess who? Yep, tattoo boy. I answer, reluctantly. He starts talking about me letting him come over to sleep on my couch so I'll trust lol  Then he asked if he could take me out tonight, I told him I had plans (a date) and he got all butt hurt about it. He came off a little creepy/clingy on the phone. But in person he wasn't that way at all. Oh well. I'll give him a chance.

And then I have a date tonight with a hot 35 year old man. A little older than me, but he's really good looking and in great shape. We'll see how it goes. Supposed to go have sushi and then he said he's taking me somewhere special after..? Hopefully, it's not his basement. Updates to come on Monday.

Now have a laugh at some of these Friday pictures I found.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Spring Break here I come!

It's probably been a couple years since I've really been on a vacation.

My best friends Kelly, Kristena and I decided we wanted to go on a girl's trip somewhere beachy with pretty water. Not only because it's pretty, but also to push ourselves to want to look good in a bikini. We decided on Destin, Florida. If you've never been there, it is gorgeous. Depending on the day and amount of seaweed, it can look like the water in Mexico. So I'm very excited!

I haven't weighed myself since Sunday, and also gave myself a little break to eat what I wanted for 3 days, so I'm expecting that I gained 2-3 pounds. But I'm back to it today! Last time on the scale I was 182.2. Not only is spring break coming up, but my 25th birthday (ahhh!) is next month. My birthday is actually in 3 weeks and 3 days. In that time, I'd like to lose an additional 10 pounds at the least. And then by my little vacay March 10-14, I want to be in the 150s. It's doable I think.. That would be 25 pounds in 2 months. I just have to stay motivated and get in the gym more often.

I'm also going to start rewarding myself when I reach goals, with things other than food. When I make it down to 172.2, I'm going to get a massage. Then when I get down to 162.2, I'm going to let myself buy new clothes. Maybe one of these babies from modcloth...

I love that this one has a pin-up feel.

And I've never worn a maxi dress. I've always felt they look best on thin people. So once I lose 20 pounds, I'm going to buy one and give it a try :)

What about you? What do you do to reward yourself?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I think I'm growing up...

I'm starting to really realize what I can and cannot control.

I know that sounds like common sense, but I'm actually learning to apply this to my life. The last couple months, I've been disappointed by a few people. I don't want to get into details, but lets just say there are some friendships that I feel are a bit one-sided. I feel like I'm the only one trying. It used to make me extremely angry, and then I realized that I shouldn't get upset over things I can't control.

All I can do is change myself for the better. This is going to be like my new mantra for this year. All I can do is worry about myself and my own actions/words. What everyone else does, is there problem. When it comes to friends, this is very tough for me to do. Because, I'm always the peacemaker and the person that reaches out. But I'm not going to be that anymore. I need to start putting myself before people that aren't treating me how I want to, and deserve to be treated.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” -Marilyn Monroe

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mohandas Ghandi 

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." -Mary Engelbreit


Monday, January 9, 2012

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Today would be the perfect day to stay home in bed.

It has been pouring down rain all day.

I'm actually not down today though. Thank you for all the sweet and encouraging comments on this post! My baby sister is now a married woman, as of Saturday. The wedding went great! I was an emotional mess though. Especially right before the wedding, when my cousin who lives in Michigan, who wasn't supposed to be able to make it to the wedding, surprised us and showed up. I was bawling at that point. But I held it together during the ceremony, just a few tears. My sister looked so gorgeous.

Now that the wedding is over, I guess my parents will finally be telling my sister about the divorce. And I'll find out once and for all, what the reason is. I've noticed a lot more tension between my parents lately. I'm just glad we made it past the wedding without my sister figuring it out.

My sister and I

I look fat, but here's us with my Mom before the wedding.

My sister and my new brother-in-law (and me in the background)

My cousin (also a bridesmaid) and I

Another unflattering of me, with Kelly and Kristena

Hope everyone else had a good weekend!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

First official post of 2012!

I'm in need of some inspiration today.

2012 brings a lot of scary changes for me, as you probably read in my previous post.

But, I still feel like things could be worse, and I should be thankful for everyone/everything I have. I want to focus on being positive this year. I've lost a total of 11.4 pounds in about 23ish days, and I really want to continue my weight loss. I want to work out more often and just be a better person all around. I found this really cool, creative exercise that I'm going to do soon! Check out the link below if you're interested.

Ok, enough talking. I looked up some things that inspire me, or just make me smile. So here you go!

If you're not a huge Beatles fan like me, this is George Harrison and Bob Marley.

  A son of each member of The Beatles. I thought this was rad.

This is Ric O'Barry. He is trying to keep the dolphins in Taiji from being slaughtered.
Learn more here and here.

                                                        His documentary "The Cove", received an Academy Award.
above pictures found on google

The rest of these pictures are from my new favorite website, Favim. Check it out!

Here's to a fabulous New Year!