Monday, January 16, 2012

Coping Mechanisms

I went on the date Friday evening. Met at RA Sushi for a couple drinks and some really good sushi. He actually kissed me as soon as I walked up to meet him at the bar. Surprised me, but refreshing too. Atleast I didn't have to wonder if he was into me. After finishing sushi, we went to a really nice lounge and had a couple more drinks while making out on a couch. He suggested we go back to his place to watch a movie.

My drunken self gladly agreed. We get to his house about midnight and sit on the couch, I played with his dog (no that's not a metaphor). He picks out a scary movie and before it even starts, things are getting hot and heavy. Before I know it, we're in his bed having sex. I must have been drunker than I thought, because I don't remember much else. I wake up... thinking I'm at home, and realize I'm still in his bed, naked. I turn over and he's not there, but the bathroom door is shut and the light is on. I get up and go in the living room to check my phone.. It's 4am. I don't even know how long I slept. How embarassing. I get dressed and wait for him to come out, which is almost another 20 minutes. I apologize for falling asleep and tell him that I should be going. There's no way I'm staying the night. I get in my car feeling cheap and dirty, knowing I'll probably never hear back from this man again.

3 years ago.. I never would've even considered sleeping with someone on a first date. So what's changed me? Is it purely growing up? Is it going through tough things and using unhealthy things as coping mechanisms? I'm not sure.

I could've sworn I wrote a previous post about a conversation my father and I had, but I can't find it. It was actually right before I was going to Dallas to visit awkward boy. My Dad sat me down, told me that he saw a lot of himself in me. That he thinks we both have addictive personalities. That we try to fill voids in our lives with unhealthy things, like: sex, alcohol, shopping, etc. Talk about an awkward conversation to have with your dad. Although, I didn't talk much. I mostly sat there and listened while crying. As much as I tried telling myself, he didn't know what he was talking about, I'm starting to see more signs of that.

Now, do I think I'm an alcoholic? No. Do I even think I have a drinking problem? Absolutely not. But since I know that alcoholism runs in my family, I do know that I need to be careful. As far as sex.. Almost 3 years ago, after breaking up with my high school sweetheart of almost 6 years, I had a month-long rebound with a stupid random guy I met at a restaurant, and something happened with him that caused me a great deal of pain. I don't want to get into it now, maybe I'll update at another time, but it's something that makes people look at you differently. I dealt with this by being more open about my sexuality, and to put it bluntly, being slutty. Was that a healthy way to deal with what I was going through? No. But I'm ok now.

Now that I'm going through all the drama with my parents, I feel like I'm using sex and alcohol to cope again. I'm afraid if I continue down this road and push my feelings aside, they're going to come back and bite me in the ass much harder than if I just deal with them now. I don't know what to expect though. Everyone hears that girls with parents that divorce when they're young, are pretty likely to have daddy issues. But what about when you're an adult? I do think it will make me a lot more cautious when thinking about marriage. I just don't know the correct, healthy way to cope with it all. Therapy maybe? Too expensive though. Maybe just be open with my parents about my feelings. And go to my true friends when I need to talk about it. Maybe turn to things more healthy like exercise or yoga when I'm sad or stressed.

Life is just a big experiment. We're all damaged by hurt and circumstances in our lives. But I refuse to become one of those people that sabotage their lives because of other people's decisions. I apologize, this was a VERY self-indulgent post, but I felt the need to get it out there.

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