Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I don't what to do...

There's something I've been wanting to blog about..

Something that has had a pretty big effect on my life and my relationships..

But I'm really scared.

It's something that people are super judgmental about and that I'd die if random people I know, found out. But, it's also something I wish I could vent about the most.

 I'm just not sure...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Back to the juicy stuff..

I almost can't remember where I left off with Apple Guy.. It's been so long and so much more has happened since I've blogged. I think it was two weeks ago... Maybe three.. I stayed with him over the weekend, like I usually do. We went to have some yummy sushi and then went to a bar we've gone to a few times before.. I had their famous frozen screw drivers and he had his whiskey. We talked about everything like we usually do. He said something to the effect of.. "Hmm what do you not know about me..". Then he tells me that the baby on his lock screen of his iphone (that he previously told me was his niece) is actually his daughter. I had to ask him multiple times if he was kidding before actually believing him. And then, I was pissed. Not upset that he has a child. I've dated men with children before. But why lie about it? That's nothing to be ashamed of, and only makes me more suspicious of how honest he is. He tells me the long story of his ex and how it happened. Turns out, the mother moved out of state, didn't put his name on the birth certificate, and gave him no contact info. he hasn't spoken to her or seen his little girl in almost 2 years.

Anyway, that doesn't really pertain to anything, but I guess that's maybe why he kept it from me..? I'm not sure. We continue talking about it, about his daughter and everything until it's time to leave. We head back to his apartment and make ourselves another drink (like we needed it). We get into our pj's and get in bed and talk. I was very very drunk at this point, and I start trying to initiate sex with him and he just keeps saying he's not in the mood.. It's been a week since we've done anything and I'm about to start my period. I continue to stupidly grab his naughty places to get something started.. He continues to reject me and since I'm crazy hormonal, I start bawling my eyes out. That's all I remember.

 He tells me the next morning, while I'm looking in the mirror at my huge, swollen eyes, that I cried for over an hour. And as soon as he'd get me calmed down, I'd try again. It's funny to look back at now, but I really do have lots of insecurities that are made worse when I'm sexually rejected. He said I finally laid down and he played with my hair until I fell asleep. What is it with me and drunken meltdowns? I just love making myself look like a psycho girl, apparently.

Anyone else have any embarrassing, drunk-cry stories?

Happy Birthday, little bloggy!

Do you hate me?
 Yeah, I thought you would. I know, I'm a terrible blogger but I'll try to be better!

But before I do that.. I was gone for my blog's 1st birthday!

Happy Birthday, Vibrant Raze!

And if you were actually a person, I would've bought you this balloon.

I guess I'm supposed to tell you all that I've learned about the world and myself in this last year? Sorry, no huge epiphany or anything. But I do love my blog, and I look back and see all I've been through this year, and I kind of impress myself. We're all so much stronger than we think we are. We just don't know it, until we're smacked in the face with these difficult situations. God knows I've been through my share of boy and family drama this year, but I haven't faced anything I couldn't handle. But, here's to hoping I'll look back again in a year and say, "Wow, compared to that first year, this one was a piece of cake!".

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Now You're Just Somebody That I Used to Know...

Hello lovelies!

I still need to update more on things with Apple Guy and I.. but afraid I'm too exhausted tonight.. but soon! I promise.

Oh, guess who had a baby today?? J, my high school sweetheart. Yeah. Oh did I forget to mention that she was 7 months pregnant when they got married?! Probably because I found out the night before leaving for Florida and I tried to forget it. But anyway, yeah.

I will leave you with this amazing cover of Gotye's Somebody that I used to know, done by a group called Walk Off the Earth.


Aren't they amazing?!?

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

A disappointing morning

 I hop into my car, anxious as humanly possible, and text him right before pulling out of my driveway to see if he was still awake, since I knew he hadn't slept any the night before. I begin my thirty minute drive to his apartment. I'm thinking about what he's going to say, and I pull into his apartment complex and realize I haven't gotten a text back from him yet. I park at 9am and call his cell phone, while walking in and there's no answer.

I think, Hmm, maybe he just dozed off or is in the bathroom. I stand outside his door and knock 4-5 times. I call him another 5 times and actually sit in the hallway outside his door for 30 minutes, like a lame-o. At 9:45, I decide to go find a close Whataburger and drive through and get something to eat and drink to kill some time. I get back and sit in my car and eat my food, while trying not to get mad.
I called him a bunch more times and walk back in to bang on the door and try to wake him up. No luck. By now, it's almost 11 o'clock, and I'm losing my patience. I look back now and wish I had just gone home and made him call me 10 times before I answer, but I like him too much, damnit. 

So, I look up movie times at a close theater to give him more time to wake up. I go to see Project X at 11:20am, hoping when I got out I'd see a text or call from him. But nope! I decide to go back one more time (I'd been calling him constantly) and knock on the door as loud as I can. It's now 1pm! I walk up to his door, bang until my little hand is bright red and keep calling. He FINALLY picks up and sounds half asleep and asks, "Where are you?" Without even thinking I say  "I've been here for 4 hours and you didn't answer!!!!!" He comes to the door with his hair all over the place looking hungover and miserable. He apologizes profusely and I mostly laugh it off, because I hate confrontation, and realized it was in no way intentional.   

So obviously, the romantic setting I had envisioned was not happening. We laid in bed and talked and he continued apologizing. To be honest, I thought he was going to tell me he loved me. But he actually ended up going into more detail about how he told his family all about me. He said he wants me to meet all his family, and that it's a big deal because he never brings any girls around them. It was sweet, but here I am with those three little words wanting to pop out of my mouth at any time, so I felt a little stupid.

The day didn't end up as I expected, but I still enjoyed our lazy Sunday together.

I'm falling..

So, I got back from Florida on a Wednesday, and I hadn't seen Apple Guy for almost a week. We made plans for me to come over on that Friday, go out somewhere, and then I'd stay the night. His roommate was out  of town too. So I get there Friday afternoon, and we both missed each other a lot while I was gone. He cooked some yummy Costa Rican food and we had a couple drinks before going out.

The first place we went was a hole in the wall, but kinda cool with red walls and chandeliers everywhere. We had drinks and talked. I'm realizing more and more how much I really like him. We have long, in depth conversations, about anything and everything. I'm learning more about his jealousy issues, so I understand the phone incident, more now.

I've actually felt for a week or two, that I'm starting to really fall for him. And that scares the hell out of me.. Because we're still not sure exactly what we are. Ok, back to that night. We had a couple drinks, and then went to a second place that was a little nicer. Continued to drink and talk until I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. We left around 2 and went back to his empty apartment. He wanted to take advantage of being alone and we started fooling around on the couch.

We had sex a couple times.. It was much better than the first time lol. And finally, we collapsed in bed at 5am. I think we slept in till around 1:00pm. It was St. Patrick's day. We were lazy and  laid around watching tv. We showered and then got back on the couch to be lazy again. We started making out and ended up having really slow, passionate sex on the couch.

Fuck. Now I'm really falling for him, I thought. We hung out a little longer, but I eventually left that night to go meet my friends at an Irish Pub downtown. He was going to visit with his cousin, who was visiting from Costa Rica. I went to the pub, didn't have a particularly great time. I was just tired and felt like watching The Vampire Diaries in bed. (That's my new addiction). We texted off and on that night, but I knew he was with family and didn't want to distract him.

I ended up leaving the pub around 1am and heading home. I crawled into bed, sent him one last text and watched The Vampire Diaries until my eyes became heavy.
Half asleep, I hear my phone go off and it's Apple Guy's text tone. I grab my phone, which shows that it's 8am, and see thah he's called me 5 times and texted me twice. I quickly text him and then decide to call because it put me in a panic thinking something bad had happened.

He answers and says, "I missed you soo much last night. I told my family about you and then I couldn't even go to sleep because I missed you so much. I think we're afraid to say that yesterday changed things between us. Will you come over and get in bed with me, so I can talk to you in person about it?"

I hung up the phone and got into my car.